The OppositeLock Burn Book: 10 Most Overfapped Cars

"Jay Lauer" (thefaultinourcars) 02/03/2015 at 22:46 • Filed to: None

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It's no crime to love cars, but sometimes love turns into obsession. Like a Comedy Central roast, it's turn we blast the cars that are fapped over way too much. Better get some ice.

Shit's going to get mean.

1. Focus ST/Fiesta ST

If somebody who didn't know cars came to OppositeLock, they'd think the Ford ST pair came with an intermittent fellatio option. I'm sure in every used Focus/Fiesta ST that will hit the used-car marketplace, this will be 3-5 crusty socks in them.

Is this car the second coming of Jesus H. Christ? Nope. It's mostly just a Mazdaspeed3 from 2007. I hear the Fiesta ST is good.

2. Honda S2000

What once started out as the cheaper alternative to your sister's sorority friend's Boxster quickly became the car of people who drink Mountain Dew and hate their middle class parents.

While the S2000 may have 240 hp, it's only available at 8000 RPM plus, otherwise it's a slow gayer Miata. It's not the holy grail of drivers cars, it's a Miata with a Honda badge.

The only thing less interesting than it's attributes is hearing about selling it.

3. Ford Ranger

You know what's less interesting than my daily Scion xB? Not even the Staind cover band setlist is as uninteresting as my Scion. However, the Ford Ranger is.

The Ford Ranger is a truck. There's my review.

It boggles my mind how one boring vehicle can be fapped and posted over so much. There's only a finite amount of things one mediocre pickup can do, and that number is probably lower than five.

4. Chevrolet Corvette

The general consensus in Oppo as of late has always used this geezer-mobile as a rebuttal to every single car argument. Since it's the Internet and all everyone does is argue using number specs and sheets, the Corvette is the go-to value trump cars.

The Corvette might horsepower-to-weight bargain, but it's still a car for old fat white men who have trouble getting it up without thinking about expense reports and their grandaughter's friends. Argue it all you want, have fun driving one and being taken seriously. Seriously.

5. All Buicks

Buick is still an old person's car for those who want wheels to shuttle them comfortable into their plot in the ground. Sure, they made that 'Turbo Brick' that everyone wants to fap over, but guess what? It's only marginally fast and corners like a truck. Show up to one in an autocross and you'll be behind the $500 Civics.

6. All BMWs

The "Ultimate Driving Machine" is mostly notably known for ultimately falling apart. Any post you see about a BMW will have the word 'refined' as least 4-6 times in it. In most cases, the badge is worth more than the car itself.

Go ahead and fap all day to the amazingness of BMW, but your gear shifts are still rubbery and your Check Engine light is probably on.

7. Scion FR-S/Subaru BRZ

Just transplant everything I said about the Ford ST cars into here and add a Monster hat to the car.

8. Mazda Miata/MX-5

This is the ultimate of ultimate Jalop fapmobiles. If we used to semen for every person who's came over a Miata we'd have enough to license and build them ourselves, entirely out of jizz.

Here's the dish on the Miata, it's slow, rough, loud, windy, terrible on the highway, not great on gas, cramped, and has less sex appeal than furrys or anime. Yeah, no one likes furries. Or anime. No one.

9. Diesel Mercedes

Wow, you're so quirky and different, you've got a Diesel Mercedes. How very hipster of you. Your car's eccentric and hipster and will last forever. The sheer irony of your car is impervious to judgement.

NOPE.

The Diesel Mercedes is slow, rough, barely starts in winter, and slow. It's slow.

10. Volvos & Saabs

One rung above Diesel Mercedes in the bid for most hipster car are Swedish cars. Normal cars are just too mainstream, so I'll have a Volvo 240. And I'll have a wagon, cause it's so ironic

The only thing cool about driving a volvo wagon is that you're inside and don't have to look at how lame you are to the outside world. All that Swedish quirkiness has actually turned into people repellent, deterring people away from having to listen to an hour-long story about why the key in his Saab goes in the console.

You know what? Fuck all cars. There are no good cars. No cars are all good.

Logansteno: Bought a VW? > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 22:49

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Famous as fuck.

Plus it's my airbag light, not check engine light, so HA.

Brian Silvestro > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 22:49

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OOOOOHHHHHH yes

sorry Denver you make a shitload of posts about this car

Brian Silvestro > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 22:49

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/puts STs at #1

/doesn't use Fiesta ST as picture

StoneCold > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 22:49

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Edit: Deleted.

Dwhite - Powered by Caffeine, Daft Punk, and Corgis > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 22:49

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Jay Lauer > Brian Silvestro 02/03/2015 at 22:51

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lulz had to. The FoST people are the worst offenders by far.

Brian Silvestro > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 22:51

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It's weird 'cause you're right. I really only talk about my car when I'm doing something cool with it.

Jedidiah > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 22:52

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Cars are shitty products when you think about it.

Jay Lauer > Brian Silvestro 02/03/2015 at 22:53

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Yeah, you're posts are just fine to me. Rallycross and autocross ST videos are awesome, of course share that.

But pictures of ST's in parking lots, covered in snow, and next to another ST. No thanks.

Jay Lauer > Jedidiah 02/03/2015 at 22:53

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Just the worst.

Brian Silvestro > Jedidiah 02/03/2015 at 22:53

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The shittiest part about them is that they only are actually in use around 10% of the time over their lifetime. And they still break!

Brian Silvestro > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 22:55

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The "OMG MADE A FRIEND" with the poster's car next to (insert relatively interesting but not really most of the time car here) really are not fun

EDIT: unless the other car is a Pagani

Party-vi > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 22:57

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"it's a slow gayer Miata."

*puts on Mod hat*

I'll assume you're not implying that "gayer" is a bad thing.

Dsscats > Brian Silvestro 02/03/2015 at 22:58

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Or a Ranger. Because finding another one of the 2,000,000 Rangers on the road is such an amazing coincidence.

Round headlight enthusiast > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 22:58

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I agree. The Jalopnik/Oppo crowd were the first to like these cars when nobody else did. "ie Miata is not gay, its cool" However, we inadvertently became the automotive mainstream and now its just a big circlejerk on the forums. .

It's like how rock and roll went from being about "stickin it to the man" in the 60s to becoming "the man" itself in the 80s.

SO FOR GOODNESS SAKES LETS FIND SOME NEW CARS TO LIKE!

I think a POS like a Grand AM that can win an autocross would be awesome, somebody make it happen! Maybe I will (once I get the money?)

Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 22:59

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So how do you feel about Panthers?

Brian Silvestro > Dsscats 02/03/2015 at 22:59

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OMG RIGHT

straight unicorns bro

DasWauto > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:00

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Forgot the Crown Vic/Panther platform. I would make it #0, as not to mess up the top 10.

Jay Lauer > Party-vi 02/03/2015 at 23:00

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No-no, I'm not prejudice. That's just the go-to word with Miatas.

I can easily swap out the word.

Jay Lauer > DasWauto 02/03/2015 at 23:01

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It's already cemented it's spot in round 2.

Big Bubba Ray > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:02

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Hahaha this is too funny.

Jay Lauer > Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies 02/03/2015 at 23:02

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Lame, at best.

"Oh wow, it RWD and has the V8 from our muscle car."

So is the Chevy Express.

AM3R shamefully returns > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:03

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oh yes, people don't hate this post.. I'm joking. I'll start off by roasting my own car..

BMW 328i: I drive a fucking middle management car. It's a damn shame, if I park outside a nail salon I run the risk of getting it confused with every other 18-30 year old women's 328i.

ST twins: economy cars that come pre riced!

BRZ/FRS: That guy at the gym that skips leg day. I once saw one lose a "race" to a teenage girl in a V6 accord.

Panthers: fuck the police, RWD V8 does not make the car Jalop. It's still an old lady car no matter how much of a big man you feel driving it.

Miata: elementary school music teacher who just retired.

Mustang GT: I peaked in high school.

Lifted wrangler unlimited: the "I grew up in a 5 bedroom home in a upper middle class suburb but I'm really outdoorsy and manly I swear" car.

Big trucks: Ex varsity football players who weren't good enough to get scholarships.

Small trucks: I'm an enthusiast and my truck is so fun! I love driving my shitty handling, slow, sort of efficient truck! Wooh!

WRX: I DIDNT peak in high school, but I have a dope ass build thread on stanceworks that people comment on!

Audi: I make a respectable salary and I want to impress people into being my friend.

Jay Lauer > Round headlight enthusiast 02/03/2015 at 23:04

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The circle jerk normally only last a while, except with the Miata.

It's easy enough to buy a car that people stopped jerking over too. Pretty sure the jerk on my STI ended 5.5 years ago. I'm still glad to buy one.

Bandit > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:04

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Yay! I didn't make the list

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:05

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unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:06

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Thank you for addressing the Oppo ford circlejerk. my car also has a check engine light, now excuse me I must fap to the bmw roundel part number 51 14 1 970 248

Jay Lauer > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 02/03/2015 at 23:06

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I've owned like half the list.

Jay Lauer > unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) 02/03/2015 at 23:07

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Ahahaha, must be the 02 sensor. Hope you bought the right one of the four.

Jay Lauer > Bandit 02/03/2015 at 23:09

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...don't count yourself out for round 2.

Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:10

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wow what sort of faggot thinks this looks good?

unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:11

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Are you the next coming of christ? Cause I do have a recurring PO420 code, not bsing.

Bandit > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:12

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Hey, go easy on me. I just learned I either need to rebuild my heads or swap in a new cam before I drive it again.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:12

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Exactly

Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:12

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Even worse, like the SSR.

Jay Lauer > unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) 02/03/2015 at 23:12

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Haha cause I've had one. O2 code came every other day.

Zipppy, Mazdurp builder, Probeski owner and former ricerboy > Round headlight enthusiast 02/03/2015 at 23:12

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Get Murdersofa jake to get his Buick on that autox stuff, STAT.

Round headlight enthusiast > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:13

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ugggghhh I wish WRXs were cheaper than they are. Where I live people ask $4500 for cars that should be advertised as "parts." b/c of the Monster energy crowd. Even base imprezas are ridiclous...

nFamousCJ - Keeper of Stringbean, Gengars and a Deezul > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:14

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my car wasn't on the list. Wait.. is that a good thing?

Jay Lauer > Bandit 02/03/2015 at 23:14

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The burn book knows no bounds.

Better fix your car to escape the hate.

Jay Lauer > nFamousCJ - Keeper of Stringbean, Gengars and a Deezul 02/03/2015 at 23:15

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unless it's in round 2.

Jay Lauer > Round headlight enthusiast 02/03/2015 at 23:17

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blame bros.

Actually just look during the summer. They're cheapest then.

Tuned-Port-Injected-Rage > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:17

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nFamousCJ - Keeper of Stringbean, Gengars and a Deezul > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:18

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It may qualify for the bonus "least fapped to car" or "most awkwardly fapped too...aka 'why am I fapping to this?!' ".

Which I'd still be sort of okay with.

Zipppy, Mazdurp builder, Probeski owner and former ricerboy > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:18

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Jay Lauer > Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To 02/03/2015 at 23:18

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probably someone with a fedora and a neckbeard and a trench coat.

Jay Lauer > nFamousCJ - Keeper of Stringbean, Gengars and a Deezul 02/03/2015 at 23:19

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CJ Jeep?

Big Bubba Ray > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:21

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?

nFamousCJ - Keeper of Stringbean, Gengars and a Deezul > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:21

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No no no. Worse better

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:24

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You used the pic of my car for the FoST? But I do agree with you.

Jay Lauer > nFamousCJ - Keeper of Stringbean, Gengars and a Deezul 02/03/2015 at 23:25

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Isn't that the national car of ED?

unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:28

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Can this please be a recurring series?

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Brian Silvestro 02/03/2015 at 23:28

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I know, he used my car.

Jay Lauer > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 02/03/2015 at 23:28

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Every car picture belongs to an Oppo poster, for extra burn.

Yours just happened to be the ST one.

nFamousCJ - Keeper of Stringbean, Gengars and a Deezul > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:28

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You're thinking the first gen. Each came with a color match top boot in the trunk and viagra in the glove box.

The 2.5 gen is Chrysler saying "people are still buying these? Ok sure have some more"

D > Party-vi 02/03/2015 at 23:29

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you kidding? offensiveness is the lifeblood of this post

the cruder the better

D > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:33

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You done good. This post smacked us all in the face with our own dicks.

PetarVN, GLI Guy, now with stupid power > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:33

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lol, my car didn't make the list :P

and i'll agree that they're overhyped here, but for good reason! because they're what we like!

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:34

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Oh no worries. I'm honored to assist in the roast. :)

It's actually ironic that the ST circle jerking hype and being told it was so good was the reason I got mine last year. I asked what car I should get next back in January of 2014 and this is what everyone said to get, mind you I knew jack about cars at the time. Although you may have posted as well and may ave said to get a Mustang, but I'm not sure.

Anyways I learned my mistake and will be picking my next car with out actually listening to everything everyone tells me. Because I actually know what I want.

Jay Lauer > nFamousCJ - Keeper of Stringbean, Gengars and a Deezul 02/03/2015 at 23:34

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2.5 gen Chrysler: The one Michael Scott couldn't afford.

2.5 gen Chrysler: Avis made a bigger order than we thought.

TheHondaBro > Brian Silvestro 02/03/2015 at 23:36

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Is this an invitation for me to retaliate by excessively writing about my Accord?

Milky > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:36

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Am I still an offender if I rarely post my own car but make posts about Miata's?

#WhatHaveIBecome ?

TheHondaBro > Jedidiah 02/03/2015 at 23:37

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I fucking hate cars with a burning passion.

Jay Lauer > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 02/03/2015 at 23:37

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Which is?

El Rivinado > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:37

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You know the ironic thing is, you didn't burn me at all. I think all of these cars are overrated in the biggest way possible, the only way to rustle my jimmies is if you go after big American land barges. And I will say, I think the panther platform deserved to be here, to me there is but one Panther that is the true panther.

TheHondaBro > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 02/03/2015 at 23:38

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I'm totally using that from now on.

Jay Lauer > El Rivinado 02/03/2015 at 23:38

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Just you wait for round two.

Jayhawk Jake > Zipppy, Mazdurp builder, Probeski owner and former ricerboy 02/03/2015 at 23:39

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He auto crosses it. I should know, I rode in it on an autox course

Jayhawk Jake > TheHondaBro 02/03/2015 at 23:39

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I already did with my CRX

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:40

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Something RWD with a manual or automatic, H6, V6, or V8. If automatic it has to be a DCT. That's all I got for now. :p

TheHondaBro > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:40

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Don't forget my spicy Honda.

TheHondaBro > Jayhawk Jake 02/03/2015 at 23:41

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LET'S SPAM THE MASSES WITH HONDA!!!!

Jay Lauer > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 02/03/2015 at 23:42

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Based on this list your choice is Corvette.

Which I approve of.

RallyWrench > Brian Silvestro 02/03/2015 at 23:42

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Which is every time you drive it, amirite? Hey-O!

Zipppy, Mazdurp builder, Probeski owner and former ricerboy > Jayhawk Jake 02/03/2015 at 23:42

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I'm aware of the autoX stuff, but is it 'winning' though?

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:44

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Oh and 2+2 seating. Need that.

Jayhawk Jake > Zipppy, Mazdurp builder, Probeski owner and former ricerboy 02/03/2015 at 23:45

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No, but it doesn't come in last

Jay Lauer > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 02/03/2015 at 23:47

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I liked my GTO, but make sure to get the manual.

Highway gas mileage and comfort out the ass.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Jay Lauer 02/03/2015 at 23:49

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I'm thinking M3 M235i, 996 or 997. But not for a couple years.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Dsscats 02/03/2015 at 23:53

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You wouldn't believe me if I said I rarely if ever see Rangers here :p

D > Jayhawk Jake 02/03/2015 at 23:59

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but you're doing god's work so it's okay

Jordaneer, The Mountaineer Man > Jay Lauer 02/04/2015 at 00:00

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HELL NO, FORD RANGERS ARE MORE BETTER THAN YOU!!!

PushToStart > TheHondaBro 02/04/2015 at 00:09

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I think we all do, honestly.

Eat a dick, cars.

ViperGuy21 > Jay Lauer 02/04/2015 at 00:22

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You forgot the Impreza STI. And if you want to predict the future, Focus RS

Jay Lauer > ViperGuy21 02/04/2015 at 00:28

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Not many Oppo people own them. The one's that do don't seem to overpost or overfap much.

But a douche car, it definitely is.

StingrayJake > Jay Lauer 02/04/2015 at 00:29

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The Corvette might horsepower-to-weight bargain, but it's still a car for old fat white men who have trouble getting it up without thinking about expense reports and their grandaughter's friends. Argue it all you want, have fun driving one and being taken seriously. Seriously.

1. I know lots of millenials who bought Corvettes with mommy and daddy's money.

2. I can't wait to be that old, fat, white guy driving a Corvette. You'll be old and fat someday. I don't know you well enough to say if you're white or not. The odds are in favor of me saying you are. When that day comes, are you going to drive the same car you drive now so as not to appear like a poser old geeser?

Jay Lauer > StingrayJake 02/04/2015 at 00:30

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that's literally mine in the picture.

ViperGuy21 > Jay Lauer 02/04/2015 at 00:31

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Yeah, now that I think about it, I think I see them mentioned in the comments more than actual posts.

I don't think it's a total douche car, but definitely has potential to be, depending on what the owner does to it and with it.

Jay Lauer > ViperGuy21 02/04/2015 at 00:32

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I bought one, so it definitely is.

ViperGuy21 > Jay Lauer 02/04/2015 at 00:33

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There you go then! Hahaha

StingrayJake > Jay Lauer 02/04/2015 at 00:35

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Well congrats on beating the stereotype.

Axial > Jay Lauer 02/04/2015 at 00:37

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Fuck yeah, made the list! Driving shitty cars is the best!

Jay Lauer > StingrayJake 02/04/2015 at 00:39

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Thank you very much. No daddy money in it either.

It's a fantastic car. unbelievably underrated. But I'm just shitting on everything.

And I've received a lot of midlife crisis jokes.

StingrayJake > Jay Lauer 02/04/2015 at 00:55

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That's great. It's been a goal of mine since I was a kid to own one. Somewhere along the line I decided to get married so I'm going to be old before I can convince the wife I need one. Will also need a few raises.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > TheHondaBro 02/04/2015 at 01:23

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Did I mention I own a Tercel lately? Anyone?

TheHondaBro > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 02/04/2015 at 01:25

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I thought you drove that weird Decapodian car with the mechanical crab legs.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > TheHondaBro 02/04/2015 at 01:30

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You mean the Mobile Oppression Palace?

TheHondaBro > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 02/04/2015 at 01:32

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That too.

E. Julius > Jay Lauer 02/04/2015 at 03:03

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Well I guess there's one plus to driving a mostly uninteresting car that I hardly talk about.

Fred Smith > Jay Lauer 02/04/2015 at 03:17

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So very much spot on happening up in here. Special shout out to all Saabs, by the way, for not actually being good cars in any way. They get lumped in with best-in-their-class Volvos all the time and they're just out here being just quirky enough to get away with never once doing anything worth a damn.